the melancholy slinks in

[josilverdragon]

TW/CW for talk about depression, self-harm, etc.

 

Today apparently turned into one of those days where I started out pretty good and then it's getting later in the evening and dark thoughts make their way into my brain. The argument could be made that I have seasonal depression. My mother has it so it is possible I do as well. However, it's not like anything really works with me, medicine-wise, and the last time they tried to put me on something, I felt like a zombie so much that I self-harmed soooooo, I am stuck with with however I cope with it. Increased caffeine intake, usually an influx of chocolate peanut butter crap from Halloween but I refrained this year as I definitely do not need it, reading fanfiction, or this year, writing sad poetry lol

It's like sometimes you feel so bright and good about something and then intrusive thoughts hit you and the truth of those thoughts so you just deflate and get darker and moodier. And sometimes it's because a grandparent died (3 weeks ago this last Saturday). And sometimes it's also because your mother is going in for a heart procedure and although it's got a very high success rate and survival rate, you still worry.

And sometimes you make a decision to step down as the director of a group you were apart of for 13 years. The sadness remaining isn't because you're leaving but because you have to stay a little longer to get them through the season.