you take the dark and carve me out a home

Added a handful of new ST icons. Tried to compress and resize a gif to an icon but alas, I stuck with photos only for today.

My free time has been just trying to keep the archive posts going, amidst a lot of doom scrolling on my phone. Anyway, I'm trying to get to a place where I can take a week off of not having to keep updating on a daily basis but I'm failing. I know I need a vacation but I don't necessarily want one lol. I think I'll be able to coast in January and through out most of the year because with the exception of part of July and most of August. I was on hiatus during that period so I'll just have to catch up then.

The rest of my life has just been going to work and living for the weekend. For the first time, or so it feels, I feel like this dark winter is starting to affect me. Of course, that's not to mention the other goings on in the US that is dragging me down.

I had to go into work a couple hours earlier than usual due to some reviews for April updates and Wednesday, my commute wasn't too bad, despite being around the usual 4:30pm and 5pm evening commute. So I had a thought that maybe I might change my schedule. I don't really have a set schedule but I usually am in between 9 and 9:30 AM. However, Thursday I ended up in a traffic jam that took me an hour and a half to get home, as opposed to the usual 30 minutes. Yeah, Friday, I was back in the office at my previously usual time because screw that. Haha.

Ultimately feeling a little bit like I'm drowning. Like my head is still above water but just barely. 

Halfway through December and I have yet to completely my end of November lists, recaps, and did not even set anything for December. Not that it really matters because I haven't really finished anything except for a book and yeah. I've been vacillating between what ebook device to use, and setting up my to read list and I finally settled but now I've changed my mind. Just another day in paradise.

Speaking of "Paradise", the series on Hulu, season 2 should be soon and The Pitt, which is an awesome show, starts season 2 on January 8, so I have those to look forward to. The next season of Murderbot probably won't be until at least the fall. Maybe early 2026. Nothing else is really holding my attention at the moment other than my YouTube watch later queue.

Trying to Read: The Book of Jhereg by Steven Brust (Finally lol; originally added to my to read list 12/1/2007)
Current Fanfic: Lessons in Humanity by exclamation (Sterek) (This is on pause still)
In the Background: My fav olive oil farm in Tuscany
Last song listened to: Sleep Token - Dark Signs

I have been working on removing those duplicated (triplicated lol) posts still and decided that I would make a playlist on YT of all the songs I referenced in the music section at the bottom of the journal entries and now I'm revisiting some of my favorites from twenty years ago lol. Well, nineteen. It's been a treat to listen to it between fixing sessions and remember why I liked them, or was listening to them. Some are from an internet radio site called Live365 (I have not yet looked to see if it still exists and I'm kind of afraid to) and some are from suggestions from friends on LJ and some those I stumbled upon in my own search for music. And from the various music blogs that would share Japanese pop and rock releases.

My phone said I used my phone 5 hours more than last week and I'm like yeah, I've been reading on it LOL. All fanfiction. It's a lot nicer to read on my phone without all the socmed app notifs and I have been READING and READING and I cannot complain because it's been the best. All that socmed time now on what I really wanted to do, which is read. The downside is I've been reading at work, so instead of wasting time on socmeds, I'm reading fanfic lol. I still get my work done, but yeah. It's just hilarious to me that I would be using my phone MORE and using LESS energy to do it. My phone battery is AMAZING. I'm at 56% and the last time my phone was charged at 100% was at 3pm YESTERDAY.

***CAT BREAK: Pele felt the need to sit upon me, which makes it hard to type lol.***

I checked my phone and yesterday I was on ReadEra Premium (my ebook/fanfic epub reading app) 6 hours and 40 minutes. Haha.

I know when my hiatus is done that I'll be re-adding Twitter because two of my closest friends are on that app and that's how I interact with them the most. I'll probably re-add IG and FB because of Sleep Token archiving and we'll go from there. I'm not sure what I'll do moving forward but I would like to continue to use DW because, as I've written before, it's so nice just to write. Just to feel through things and write.

I'm also considering finding my old journals and adding them, post-dated so they don't show up on reading pages, but an electronic record of some of my earlier, more cringey journal writings LOL. We'll see. I still have to finish fixing the triplication issue, add the fanfic posts, add my poetry, maybe add some tumblr stuff (more than the fanfic stuff) but maybe I might do that at some point. We shall see.

So I forgot I have a permanent account on Insanejournal LOL. I went to update my status because I'm being more active and found that out. I need to update my user icons there so they will match here but haha. Past me knew the score lol. Next time DW has a perm acct sale, I might go ahead and do it. [EDIT to add that it may not happen anymore but that's okay.]

Anyway, tried to add Pillowfort (Pf) to the journal mirror game but I forgot they only have rich text posting and you can't postdate anything. Sigh.

That's okay though. I'll figure it out. Posting here and IJ and some posts on tumblr should be fine. I am fond of backups upon backups upon backups so I might keep looking. Wordpress owns Tumblr now so while I know WP, I'm not sure it's prudent to also post there.

I'll get it figured out.

Today I worked through managing the tags I brought over from LJ and have added since using DW. It's something that's been on my list of things to do for years and now, I'm finally working on it. Mainly because I'm using this blog more (so far, who knows as my track record isn't great) and because I want to bring some posts from one of my wordpress/tumblr blogs. I needed to clean up my tags because so many of them were used one time and never again. It's not absolutely finished, but I've got them below 1k, which is amazing.

Another thing on my list was removing the extra posts that happened because I used the import option 2x because I think I had posted to LJ after importing the first time and maybe the second time? It's probably in a post somewhere from then explaining but I'm lazy and need to go to bed soon. It just means that there's a whole bunch of posts spanning five (?) years that were triplicated. Oops.

( Sunday routines and additional rambling. . .  )

The week really has gone by quickly and I have no one to blame because I kept myself busy with fanfiction archiving. That one thing really has become my thing and because I don't use the more automated version of that via python but through calibre, it's more hands on. Thus more time spent. So I watch my YT subscriptions, or a movie, or an episode of Bridgerton (I want to get to Penelope's season just because I want to see a woman not so svelte and petite get the suitor). It keeps me occupied.

On another note, I have a reason for posting but I won't get to that until the end. What I want to write about first is that when I started this specific blog, I keep expecting people I know to find it. Or people I know in fandom rather, or even people I know in the offline. But despite it being connected to my poetry page, and using a version of my first real online nickname and an element that has frequently been used as a part of my online monikers, I have had no such luck. Possibly that is of good fortune, considering it was here that I had started to discuss leaving the drum group.

I mean, I have never really been hidden online. If one really wanted to find me, they could. Or maybe I'm just not worth the trouble. Which I fear may be the truth.

This actually wasn't going to be the main topic of today's post but I fear it is turning into it. And that is that I have no real self-worth. What I mean by that is I simply cannot fathom why anyone would want to be friends with me, or even possibly want anything more with me. Life partners and the such. I am self-isolating, not very charming, not very people-oriented, and loathe human interaction unless it is someone with which I like, friend or otherwise. And it's always been that case. It's just that I've given myself the permission to be more firm of my own boundaries. The result of this is me losing a lot of in person friends because I just don't want to go do stuff with them. It's always been what they want and never what I want. I even tried pre-pandemic to set up something I wanted to do but 90% of the time, it was only my mother and myself. My other friends ("friends") couldn't be bothered to make any real effort. And in fact, disappeared when I stopped making an effort.

It just fully enforces in my mind that I am not a great friend, or that I am that secondary level friend that no one wants to be around. Hence the poor self worth. Just once I would like to be first choice, but it's highly doubtful that will occur. It's part of the reason I had looked previously (think 2017 and before) for a partner because I want to find my best friend. And I want to be best friends and lovers and whatever else. Alas, I am queer, not romantic, not sexy, non-binary, and as much attraction as I feel is more towards those of masculine countenances. And from what I understand, I confuse most people. And most people do not feel anything for me other than friendliness. Perhaps that is part of my madness, that I don't recognize anything.

Anyway, this post was also going to express how much I think of a certain someone and I'm not sure he'd even look my way. I don't know him in person, only by his art, and it's highly doubtful I every will. For all I know it's the same as any other time I've held anyone in high esteem and the feelings will fade away. I just know that I've awakened after years of just blah feelings towards anyone and it is of course someone I never knew of before. I would have loved to been a follower of his YT when he was active. Hell, I'd just settle with being a friend and in his orbit. Known and cherished as a friend.

All in all, I really just want my best friend to show up in my life. Whoever they are. Someone who wants to get into the messiness that is me. Someone who willing to do things I want and I'll do things they want. I want an equal partnership, an equal friendship. And the pit of my stomach says that it's not likely to happen.

Thus ends today's blog. Come back soon for my further 'woe-is-me' ramblings. Until next time.

I really should be in bed, not just thinking about it. But I am sitting here writing poetry again because a human being inspired it. Anything poetry-wise is 99.9% because I am having emotions and 100% of that is when I am having emotions about another human being. Tis when the muse awakens and...

Cat interruption lol

Okay, back. When a cat interruption occurs, I have to focus. Pele requires my chest to lay against and my arms to hold her and I have to lean back in the desk chair because she is a heavy tuxedo. (She's the one in the icon of this blog lol)

AS I WAS SAYING, if I can gather my thoughts again: my muse awakens when I am inspired by a human that I have emotions for. And it wanes when I enter periods of, I don't know really how to explain it: emotional deficit? Apathy? A depressive hole in the fabric of my soul? Something like that.

In other news, I am approximately 10 (maybe more accurately 9?) days out from my first solo travel to another state by myself via jet airliner. I am increasingly less nervous about the flight, if only because how many people fly every day and how many flights do not end in disaster. I have tentative plans to meet people the day of the concert but if I end up being myself in a crowd of almost 9,000 people, then so be it.

I have no plans other than to be in town. Probably will go find a local bookstore, and/or a cafe, and just walk around maybe.

---

Alrighty then, I decided, in the middle of this post, to lay down. Ended up scrolling Tiktok for a good hour or so and then fell asleep. So. Yeah. Good job to me XD

Ultimately, this trip to see my favorite band in a whole other state not connected to my state, is a departure from the norm for me. I just knew that I wanted to see them (him) at least once this year. I couldn't twice, no matter how much I wanted to. Need to save and maintain my vehicle, which I'll probably pay off in June. Couple months early anyway. So life and adulting did get in the way of my grand adventure, as I wanted to be at the last concert for this tour but it was in Canada. Anyway, staying at a fairly nice hotel because why not, plus flight costs, car rental, food, tour merch, etc, is not cheap for a newbie traveler. Which, a year ago, I would have scoffed at the idea.

Other than just getting there for the concert, I made no other plans. I'm just going to wing it. Meander downtown Denver maybe, check out a bookstore or a cafe (which I did also say above lol) and just chill. If I want to come back later, I'll make plans to do more tourist type stuff.

Well, I keep getting distracted so I'm going to end this edition of "what's up with Jo's rambling brain". Probably won't hear from me until after May 12th. Although, I may have ascended and you may never hear from me again XD

Reflecting a little bit on how I have been lax with posting here with any sort of regularity. I guess it's also the time of year, what with the holidays and all. I don't know if this will be more regular or not but I guess I'll just wing it and see how things go. Which is my favorite way of dealing with things.

My poetic inspiration has run a little dry but by no means has my love for the man and the band diminished. It has settled and I am so happy it has. The initial rush and everything is so turbulent and it's a lovely ride of emotion but I am also happy, and maybe more so content, that it's become more manageable. Granted, I still have a massive crush on the man behind it all but it too is much more settled and content. I'm just happy to know he exists and is making music and sharing it with us. I just hope one day I can meet a tall, lanky tortured soul nerd like him that I can call my own.

In line with that, I sometimes fear that I will not find anyone. If simply because I just worry that because of my particular peculiarities will be missed and whoever they may be will never see me. Moments in my life still remain close to recall, such as mother stating I will always be the friend but never the girlfriend (hello junior year of high school) or when a trainer at work said he never could get a read on me. I realized later that he meant I was not feminine enough nor masculine enough for him to determine where I sat in relation to his binary view of society, sexuality, and gender. Regardless, I wait to be seen by someone, really seen, and it terrifies me at the same time.

I am a Grade AAA mess or whatever. I keep hoping for a spark of something but most anyone I meet just engenders the "Please don't casually touch me, we just met" feeling. Very few people do I feel comfortable with hugging. Very few people inspire me to want to know them. And most of them are online and far away from me.

Another thing I struggle with is worrying that my actions, should I choose affection, will make someone think I like them in a more than a friendship way. Perhaps I suffer trauma of being rejected so much that is the explanation.

And now I'm crying to Sleep Token's "Shelter - from the room below".

So. I am putting this out to the Universe and everything: if you could maneuver things so that I could cross paths with someone who I can start out being friends with but with the understanding that I would possibly want more. Someone who likes or tolerates cats, who isn't psycho, who will go with me to Sleep Token concerts, to random disaster movies, to coffee on Saturday nights, who will be my best friend, the one I don't have to hide everything I do hide from the rest of the world, from even my family. And please please please help me recognize them. I keep hoping for the one from my dreams as a teenager. I just want love.

Anyway, I'll leave that there for today. Happy New Year.

Sooo it's been a while. And a bit has happened.

It is official. As of December 31, I will no be longer director of the drum group. And I am relieved. It's been very emotional. I announced it 11/30 and the group has been taking over everything and I am grateful that I don't have to deal with the business of it anymore.

December 2nd, my parents and I went to the Spectrum Singers winter concert as I am considering joining this next session. I blame Sleep Token, and more specifically Vessel, for my returning interest in singing. My Mom and Dad think it's a good idea and they think I'll blow them away with my voice but I'm like. . . I probably won't but okay. Mom has grand ideas of me helping to teach the other singers to sing better and yeah, probably not.

On the topic of Sleep Token, I am closely following the rituals in Germany and Wembley is in 6 days!!!! I am wondering what announcement is coming on Monday from them. I am planning to go to at least 3 if not 4 concerts this year so we'll see how that works out. I very nearly got tickets to NYC's RCMH to see their concert there but it sold out. Oh well lol.

So yeah. The vast change this year in that I actually want to travel is the biggest surprise and gift? that this band has given me. 2022 I became a Swiftie for about 5 months and September 2023, I became obsessed with a band called Sleep Token.

When I think back on this and how much I love this band, I remember years ago wanting something that I loved so much like my friends loved their bands. I never did find it back then. Little did I know that 19 years later (OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS), the band arrived into my life and I got to see them live within 2 weeks of discovering them. HOW FREAKING CRAZY WAS THAT.

Anyway, I love this band a normal amount. (/sarcasm)

It's amazing to me how much music touches me in ways I cannot anticipate. Like tonight, listening to Hans Zimmer's "Time" from the Inception cinematic soundtrack and the Interstellar theme. I posted a poem as a result because the resulting feelings became too much to hold inside. I have so much emotion sometimes and I do not have any other outlet than poetry. And I cannot believe I avoided poetry like I did, for so long like I did. Again, it's all his fault. For bringing this back for me. Or for helping me bring it back for myself. For writing poetry that resonates, with words that strike to the core of me, and full of emotion that I can feel while reading them. Or hearing them, as the case may be.

I think I'm going to try to no longer feel a little ridiculous that a singer/songwriter/poet has affected me in such a way, and just own it. As a quote I read recently says "They're will judge you anyway, so keep going".

For the first time I am uncertain of posting a poem. I've posted dark poems, my own version of erotic poetry, depressed poems, sad poems, love poems, etc., and yet. . . I am uncertain about this one. Particularly because the inspiration for it is a person who doesn't know I exist (though I post many others of those so what the deal). It's currently scheduled for 3pm tomorrow afternoon and I HAVE A DOUBT.

Part of that doubt is the delusion that anyone from this person's circle or the person themselves could see it but again - I AM DELULU XD. I only have 119?? subscribers on that blog and my range of influence is like. . . 50? views by like 20 people? so it's HIGHLY HIGHLY doubtful AND YET STILL. I still yet have a disclaimer on the site that the poems may not be written about anyone real or have to do with real life situations YET STILL.

Also, I have 119 subscribers. Some from 2016! Like holy hell. Thanks for sticking around! (Can you tell I checked my subscriber list before? or rather I DIDN'T XD)

Anyway, I may set the poem as subscriber only. Yeah, I think I will (EDIT to add I changed it back to public because I listened to a song from the band again and yeah, I think it will be fine lol). That way it's not random viewers but people who have been around a while. And it's strange to think of having subscribers/followers here on the poetry blog and on this blog (not any yet because it's newer) as I have been mostly a Twit, tumblr, Facebook user. I'm used to interacting on those other platforms, but Wordpress is a whole other deal and an older sort of experience, much like Livejournal or Dreamwidth. I still have both LJ and DW but I haven't logged on to LJ in a long time (not a fan of the owners) and I just can't get back into the flow of Dreamwidth and suddenly found myself here when I got inspired to write more poetry.

I was also thinking just now of what the hell I want to do with this blog. Other than just ramble on like I have been or have specific sort of themes to posts or whatever. I'm not necessarily one who likes to over analyze certain things. MY LIFE, yes, I will overanalyze but as far as the music I love or books I read or crafts I do, I don't necessarily have anything that I want to try and do, other than just share my life long-form again. Who knows if anyone will ever interact, or if anyone will ever subscribe, especially if they are subscribed to my poetry blog. I find that I'm not worried about it. I'm not doing this for anything or anyone but me. (Well, I may also be doing this as a means to show the universe I am here and maybe someone will find me and be someone to me? I am ever the hopeful that I'll find someone who sparks the desire to actually be with someone lol)