you take the dark and carve me out a home

I have NOT kept up with keeping up this journal like I want to. Some of it has been time management, as in dawdling on my phone doomscrolling through IG reels or FB reels (I gave up tiktok a few months ago), or playing a mobile game called "All In Hole". This also includes dawdling at work, as in not leaving when my eight hours are up and hanging around until 6PM. It's just a me problem, really lol

In addition to learning my old boss is changing departments, other issues popped up this week at work and it was only after listening to others in leadership talk about what happened at the meeting at 5 AM (WHICH I WOKE UP FOR T_T) that I started to feel better. Honestly, whatever will be will be. And triple digits down in the stock market for the year is NOT GOOD but it'll be fine.

The new dog is settling in and the parents finally felt good enough about her to let her sleep with them in the bedroom and it seems to have worked out well. Midget just needed routine and people to pay attention to her and she seems to be learning the boundaries. I think she really just needed attention and people to care about her and set boundaries. We'll see how it goes from here. She is sweet, if mischievous.

Today also provided a revelation for me and while I painted myself in a corner with the credit card debt I have, I just need to hunker down, make plans and find a way forward. Ultimately I realized that the reason I sought so much distraction during the work hours is because I'm bored. Even if I have work, I'm bored with it. It's not challenging my brain, or scratching my brain, or however you want to say it. So I need to make some changes. But it will have to be in steps to make sure that I have my bills taken care of, my cats, my finances over all. Now I just need to figure out what I want to try. 

I had the bright idea to change some of my journal icons to Sleep Token profile pictures soooo that may happen when I get a moment lol

Well, it's past time to get my nightly chores done so I'm off, but enjoy.

Trying to Read: John Scalzi - Redshirts
Current Fanfic: Love and Other Historical Accidents (Draco/Hermione)
In the Background: PROP HUNT TO CALM THE BRAIN - oldtime101
Last song listened to:

I started keeping a To Do log again in my journal that I carry with me to work and suddenly my life seems so much more together. It's weird the way that little habit helps. Helps at work, at home, and so on. It's not quite as involved as when I was bulletjournaling but it's something. And I've added some personal project details, as well as a physical list of things like "Books to Buy", "Books to Read Next", Honor Harrington series in chronological order, and a list how to decide what to read next, because I have like 4 sources, or lists, of books that I have created over the years and have yet to put it all together into one. Not for lack of trying though lol.

Anyway, this goes hand in hand with my project to reset my personal scheduling, i.e. get up earlier and go to bed earlier. Which up until this last Monday was not a thing I was too worried about. I mean, it was something I ultimately wanted but my reaction to anything I don't want to do but know I probably should is to dig in my heels and procrastinate. However, I saw those meeting refreshes for the "pulse check" at 5:45am from my former boss who still is keeping an eye out for me made me realized I should probably start attending those so I kinda of know what's going on, as well as being a fly on the wall observing and taking everything in.

So, the whole point of this is to share what my plans are today. Personally, of course, work will remain in the book because I don't want anything in my blog to be oversharing with regards to my job and the details of that. 

To Do:

• Home by 17:30 (I like to use militarized time/airport time because of the nearly 8 years I worked as a car rental agent in an airport lol)
• Library/ebook organization
• Check ST socials
• Update blog (DW)
• Scoop cat box
• Wipe counters/sink/stove

I should add reading in there somewhere but I haven't been in a reading mood since the last Hannibal fic I finished. Not the fault of the fic, but I get in moods more where I just can't be bothered and I think I need to work on that too. Maybe I'll add some time to read in my routine somewhere.

Ultimately my schedule/routine is not set in stone, as I frequently have experienced the last few days since I have started this "reprogramming". I did fold my laundry this morning, which is a win, because usually I leave that in a basket for about 2 to 4 cycles (I wash on Wednesdays and Sundays). It's always better to fold than not because then you can actually find what clothes you want to wear with less difficulty, shocker I know.

It's now 7:45 in the morning and I need to get ready to go into the office for 7 to 8 hours, so I'm going to wrap this up. Maybe I'll update this evening again, or maybe this will become part of the morning routine. Especially since I'm up puttering around anyways. (I also have tried to avoid getting up earlier than 7:30 or so in the past because my stepdad likes to talk in the morning and I do not.)

And I was just thinking about a title to this entry when I remembered I was happy the last song I listened too last night was "The Love You Want" by Sleep Token so I could share it to the blog. It's one of the few with an actual music video and has a trigger warning because it deals with suicide/rebirth and so on. Like a time loop. But I'm sharing the song track from Youtube as it won't play with the actual music video in the blog as a result.




Current Read: John Scalzi - Redshirts (I feel like I should find some other way to title this than "Current Read" because it's more like a struggle lol)
Watching: N/A

And now it's 8:00 AM and my plan to be in to work by 8 or 8:30 is fucked because I chose to write this blog entry HAHAHA *sigh*

Title from Conquer Divide's song "system_failure".

I was almost finished with this fluffy Hannibal fanfic and then. . .I had to DNF. For reasons I won't go into, since I intend this to be a public post. It's always a disappointment when a fanfiction just doesn't hit the right way, or when you just can't continue because you keep getting pulled out by reactions to something in the fanfic. But alas, don't like don't read is there for a reason and I don't need the attention for shitting on anything like that lol

Anyway, I have been busy with my myriad of projects. This weekend was mostly working on the archive, as my passion and drive have returned. Plus I'm still rebuilding my fanfic library as well as my ebook calibre library. They both got corrupted, so I'm going through everything as I add it back, so hopefully both libraries will be cleaner.

Been keeping track of Sleep Token's current Even In Arcadia tour and counting down the days until Portland. I finalized a hotel room for the extra night, seeing Invent Animate and Silent Planet. The only issue right now is my SUV. A check engine light came on as well as the coolant in my reservoir has to be refilled every time I go to start my car. This after spending $3500 to change the oil, fix the A/C, replace filters, etc. Like, not even 3 weeks. The engine fan has been running like crazy since I picked it up but I didn't realize why until Thursday. Anyway, I'm taking it in Tuesday and hopefully they'll figure out what's going on.

Working from home today as my SUV is in the shop. I have had issues with the AC and finally took it in to have it fixed and I needed a temperature actuator for the passenger side, a evaporator was cracked and needed replaced, new serpentine belt, an oil change (which is originally why I took it in lol) and the cabin and engine filters replaced. So, I was like "I can work from home" and avoid commuting by using Uber or Lyft or the grace of my mother. So, my boss approved and voila. It's been nice. However it's tainted by the fact that I'll be paying a $3300 bill when I pick my Acadia up and then have to spend another $3k for wheels and tires lol.

( Discussing politics and yesterday's incident )

Back to other topics, there is hardly any work to do right now. My part in a recent system update is done and I'm waiting for additional info for another update so yeah. Just waiting. Always hurry up and wait, and then hurry up and submit. But that's the nature of the beast.

I'm not exactly happy with my new dresser but it'll work and we're going to utilize the old one as DVD storage but I want to get it painted black as it's currently a white color that's possibly the originally color. Mom found it at a garage sale years ago and it's worked well but falling apart now, which is why I bought a new one. Maybe I should have just asked Dad to fix it, like Mom did, but it always feels like such an imposition. Sometimes from his response and sometimes from my guilt, I guess. Guilt from cutting into his off work time. Alas, tis too late. However, we'll get it fixed up for storage and it should work well. I hope.

Going to have lunch with Mom now, so have a good day you all.

Reading List final update.
To Do List final update.

My last few days of August were just busy with life and rebuilding my calibre fanfiction library. I put together a new dresser this last week, so that took up an evening.

I asked my bank for a credit increase on my card and they approved it. Which is awesome, because then I don't have to deplete what savings I have to fix the things I need to on my SUV, such as new wheels and tires, as well as getting an oil change, having the AC checked/fixed, and getting a new stereo with bluetooth. So I should get that done this month.

I was only fully successful in two goals last month, which was not buying snacks from work and not playing any games on my phone. I was semi-successful with my social media hiatus because I had stayed off of most of it until today, but once my ST friends encouraged me to get on IG for the album demo leak, that opened the door and I did check with IG a few times after that, but tried to limit it.

Adding all my socials (or most), back on to my phone, definitely means that the power goes quicker. It's amazing how much they utilize, even when "dormant" or non-active. I did only add back one game and played a bit today. I also am more aware of the way it's so easy to open the app and just start scrolling as opposed to opening the app and going to the friends' list. That's one thing I'll be working on, is making sure that I don't get pulled into endless scrolling and just checking in on the people I want to follow.

( More rambling )

The last few days have been busy. Not that I haven't had time to post, it's just that I didn't have much to say at the moment. Today, I just wanted to share that I have Sleep Token's "Provider" in my head, as in:

"And your fingers foxtrot on my skin
I'm going under this time
I can give you what you want"

Also, I may be back on Tumblr. So, hey, that's the longest I've ever been on a social media break and I'm limiting my time until 9/1 so it's still officially a break. I've just kind of broken some of my own rules and they are mine to break and there's no consequences or repercussions so it's fine.

Anyway, it's my second to last day of vacation and the parentals will be home tomorrow evening from their vacation. I'll give you a rundown of the last few days for posterity's sake and since the subject line of this post covers that lol.

( Speed run of the last few days )

2024 was an okay year for me. The term "net neutral" is what is swirling around in my brain at the moment. In the overall grand scheme of things, it's a win however minor it might be.

Even the trip to Colorado in May to see my favorite band perform at Red Rocks was a net neutral trip. It was both horrible and wonderful and I learned a lot about myself that only reinforced the changes that started when Sleep Token came into my life.

Solidified some friendships and accidentally became more important at work.

 

( Read more... )

 

Sooo it's been a while. And a bit has happened.

It is official. As of December 31, I will no be longer director of the drum group. And I am relieved. It's been very emotional. I announced it 11/30 and the group has been taking over everything and I am grateful that I don't have to deal with the business of it anymore.

December 2nd, my parents and I went to the Spectrum Singers winter concert as I am considering joining this next session. I blame Sleep Token, and more specifically Vessel, for my returning interest in singing. My Mom and Dad think it's a good idea and they think I'll blow them away with my voice but I'm like. . . I probably won't but okay. Mom has grand ideas of me helping to teach the other singers to sing better and yeah, probably not.

On the topic of Sleep Token, I am closely following the rituals in Germany and Wembley is in 6 days!!!! I am wondering what announcement is coming on Monday from them. I am planning to go to at least 3 if not 4 concerts this year so we'll see how that works out. I very nearly got tickets to NYC's RCMH to see their concert there but it sold out. Oh well lol.

So yeah. The vast change this year in that I actually want to travel is the biggest surprise and gift? that this band has given me. 2022 I became a Swiftie for about 5 months and September 2023, I became obsessed with a band called Sleep Token.

When I think back on this and how much I love this band, I remember years ago wanting something that I loved so much like my friends loved their bands. I never did find it back then. Little did I know that 19 years later (OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS), the band arrived into my life and I got to see them live within 2 weeks of discovering them. HOW FREAKING CRAZY WAS THAT.

Anyway, I love this band a normal amount. (/sarcasm)

Since today is Sunday, my usual order of business is to go pick up the groceries for the week. Mom and I order them separately and I pick them up for both of us and that's that. Today I was waiting for the order and I remembered that it was 7 weeks ago that I listened to "Take Me Back To Eden" for the first time. 18 days later, I saw them live. And here I am today.

While on the drive home today, I was thinking about what was it about the band and the sound that made me fall in love with them. A lot of my past historical music enjoyment has been epic sounds, or cinematic soundtracks, etc. My music interests are very wide and varied. But I am not a much of a metal fan. I liked Linkin Park a lot, but it was the rare song that I appreciated that was of the metal genre other than that. So ultimately, I think what drew me in was just how genre bending it is. I've heard some people say that Sleep Token's sound is music for musicians. I love the epicness of the sound, the variations in a single album, etc. And Vessel's absolutely gloriousness of a voice.

In essence, Sleep Token for me is cinematic metal. Melodic metal. Ambient metal. And frankly, just damn good music. I can't believe its only been 7 weeks since I started listening. I feel like I was waiting for him. Him and his music. And the absolute pure poetry of his lyrics, my god. I look forward to many more years enjoying Vessel's talents, no matter the form they take. Whether under his real name in the future, or under the continued anonymous façade and band.

Ever since I got my new phone I've been offline for the most part. Well, "offline" as in not using my laptop a lot. I'm going to try to be on a little more.