you take the dark and carve me out a home

2024 was an okay year for me. The term "net neutral" is what is swirling around in my brain at the moment. In the overall grand scheme of things, it's a win however minor it might be.

Even the trip to Colorado in May to see my favorite band perform at Red Rocks was a net neutral trip. It was both horrible and wonderful and I learned a lot about myself that only reinforced the changes that started when Sleep Token came into my life.

Solidified some friendships and accidentally became more important at work.

The week really has gone by quickly and I have no one to blame because I kept myself busy with fanfiction archiving. That one thing really has become my thing and because I don't use the more automated version of that via python but through calibre, it's more hands on. Thus more time spent. So I watch my YT subscriptions, or a movie, or an episode of Bridgerton (I want to get to Penelope's season just because I want to see a woman not so svelte and petite get the suitor). It keeps me occupied.

On another note, I have a reason for posting but I won't get to that until the end. What I want to write about first is that when I started this specific blog, I keep expecting people I know to find it. Or people I know in fandom rather, or even people I know in the offline. But despite it being connected to my poetry page, and using a version of my first real online nickname and an element that has frequently been used as a part of my online monikers, I have had no such luck. Possibly that is of good fortune, considering it was here that I had started to discuss leaving the drum group.

I mean, I have never really been hidden online. If one really wanted to find me, they could. Or maybe I'm just not worth the trouble. Which I fear may be the truth.

This actually wasn't going to be the main topic of today's post but I fear it is turning into it. And that is that I have no real self-worth. What I mean by that is I simply cannot fathom why anyone would want to be friends with me, or even possibly want anything more with me. Life partners and the such. I am self-isolating, not very charming, not very people-oriented, and loathe human interaction unless it is someone with which I like, friend or otherwise. And it's always been that case. It's just that I've given myself the permission to be more firm of my own boundaries. The result of this is me losing a lot of in person friends because I just don't want to go do stuff with them. It's always been what they want and never what I want. I even tried pre-pandemic to set up something I wanted to do but 90% of the time, it was only my mother and myself. My other friends ("friends") couldn't be bothered to make any real effort. And in fact, disappeared when I stopped making an effort.

It just fully enforces in my mind that I am not a great friend, or that I am that secondary level friend that no one wants to be around. Hence the poor self worth. Just once I would like to be first choice, but it's highly doubtful that will occur. It's part of the reason I had looked previously (think 2017 and before) for a partner because I want to find my best friend. And I want to be best friends and lovers and whatever else. Alas, I am queer, not romantic, not sexy, non-binary, and as much attraction as I feel is more towards those of masculine countenances. And from what I understand, I confuse most people. And most people do not feel anything for me other than friendliness. Perhaps that is part of my madness, that I don't recognize anything.

Anyway, this post was also going to express how much I think of a certain someone and I'm not sure he'd even look my way. I don't know him in person, only by his art, and it's highly doubtful I every will. For all I know it's the same as any other time I've held anyone in high esteem and the feelings will fade away. I just know that I've awakened after years of just blah feelings towards anyone and it is of course someone I never knew of before. I would have loved to been a follower of his YT when he was active. Hell, I'd just settle with being a friend and in his orbit. Known and cherished as a friend.

All in all, I really just want my best friend to show up in my life. Whoever they are. Someone who wants to get into the messiness that is me. Someone who willing to do things I want and I'll do things they want. I want an equal partnership, an equal friendship. And the pit of my stomach says that it's not likely to happen.

Thus ends today's blog. Come back soon for my further 'woe-is-me' ramblings. Until next time.

I really should be in bed, not just thinking about it. But I am sitting here writing poetry again because a human being inspired it. Anything poetry-wise is 99.9% because I am having emotions and 100% of that is when I am having emotions about another human being. Tis when the muse awakens and...

Cat interruption lol

Okay, back. When a cat interruption occurs, I have to focus. Pele requires my chest to lay against and my arms to hold her and I have to lean back in the desk chair because she is a heavy tuxedo. (She's the one in the icon of this blog lol)

AS I WAS SAYING, if I can gather my thoughts again: my muse awakens when I am inspired by a human that I have emotions for. And it wanes when I enter periods of, I don't know really how to explain it: emotional deficit? Apathy? A depressive hole in the fabric of my soul? Something like that.

In other news, I am approximately 10 (maybe more accurately 9?) days out from my first solo travel to another state by myself via jet airliner. I am increasingly less nervous about the flight, if only because how many people fly every day and how many flights do not end in disaster. I have tentative plans to meet people the day of the concert but if I end up being myself in a crowd of almost 9,000 people, then so be it.

I have no plans other than to be in town. Probably will go find a local bookstore, and/or a cafe, and just walk around maybe.

Alrighty then, I decided, in the middle of this post, to lay down. Ended up scrolling Tiktok for a good hour or so and then fell asleep. So. Yeah. Good job to me XD

Ultimately, this trip to see my favorite band in a whole other state not connected to my state, is a departure from the norm for me. I just knew that I wanted to see them (him) at least once this year. I couldn't twice, no matter how much I wanted to. Need to save and maintain my vehicle, which I'll probably pay off in June. Couple months early anyway. So life and adulting did get in the way of my grand adventure, as I wanted to be at the last concert for this tour but it was in Canada. Anyway, staying at a fairly nice hotel because why not, plus flight costs, car rental, food, tour merch, etc, is not cheap for a newbie traveler. Which, a year ago, I would have scoffed at the idea.

Other than just getting there for the concert, I made no other plans. I'm just going to wing it. Meander downtown Denver maybe, check out a bookstore or a cafe (which I did also say above lol) and just chill. If I want to come back later, I'll make plans to do more tourist type stuff.

Well, I keep getting distracted so I'm going to end this edition of "what's up with Jo's rambling brain". Probably won't hear from me until after May 12th. Although, I may have ascended and you may never hear from me again XD

It's been a while. Just the way it is.

I am writing this blog post with no preparation and no real topics, just that long form blogging is difficult for me for some reason. Which is completely hilarious to me because I used to write so many diary/journal entries and still have those physical journals as well as wrote so much on Livejournal when it was my main fandom hub. And maybe therein is my topic.

I remember, vaguely, the slow process of going from LJ to tumblr back in 2011 or 2012. Subsequently the year I also created an account on Archive of our Own, which is a website that I spend so much time on now lol. I also had tried Twitter but I was so much more verbose back then and I wasn't a fan of the character limit. Once I got involved in the Voltron fandom, Twitter was absolutely where I hung out as most of the fandom had migrated there when tumblr chose to block/ban/delete NSFW accounts. The early progression of the internet's monetization and movement to make it clean for everyone. (Self-responsibility to use the internet has gone by way of 'WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS' in yet another step towards allowing parents to not have to actually teach their kids right vs wrong and to not bully people online - oooh, I can tell I am bitter lol)

Then Twitter was sold to you know who and became terrible, or more terrible. Eventually the fandom I was in started to scatter and move apart and alas, I now have so many sites to deal with. I keep going back on forth on what to use and what not to use and then even Google is becoming problematic with storage under certain circumstances. (I am also trying to download my years worth of files from gdrive to back up and it's such a pain T_T)

As of today, I am thinking I'll try to use tumblr more and only post on Twitter with more private comments or updates. But that may change. As changeable as the weather and temperature differentials occurring this month and last month. We shall see.

Been trying, once again, to consolidate my numerous files because I am inherently disorganized LOL. And I found this pdf, untitled, from 2019 and I wonder, was it I who wrote this, or was it something I found. It wouldn't ever be written for me, because, ha, no one has ever felt that way about me, to my knowledge anyways.

So here it is below. Beware, could be triggering.

First of all, please don't ever feel obligated to return my feelings or that you have to do anything
in return for me.
Second, please let me know if you ever need anything from me, whether it is to stop talking to you, or whatever else you need.
Thirdly, I want you to survive but I know that sometimes it's hard to see past the next minute, much less the next hour, day, week, etc.

I wish I could remember where I found this. But alas.

My writing has slowed down a bit and I think that's normal. Last weekend I went to Seattle for my friend I've known since elementary school as she was getting married, and this week I'm dealing with the fact that I have short timers with my drum group. Tonight is the last performance I, to my knowledge, will participate in. I am stepping away as director and leaving, because I want to do other things and I don't feel like I can do that with my commitment to the group.

It's the way it is. I feel like I am being selfish and you know what, yes I am. I have given 13 years of my life to this group. And Thursday no one waited for me to leave. They all left and were outside and out of sight when I locked the doors. Usually someone waits for me. No one did. And you know what, if that isn't a sign, I don't know what is. So this next week, Thursday 11/16/2023, I will announce my stepping down.

I've talked about this on Instagram, but my reasons for stepping down are what started as a slow decay in 2019. The pandemic gave me a resting period and so I was able to continue for 4 more years. I am ready to move on.

I feel a bit guilty right now. Mom was in the hospital today and had two heart surgeries, one to replace a failing valve and the other to give her a pacemaker and I was waiting for Dad to call to let me know that she was out and stable and when he called he was on the way home. Mom's staying overnight. But here I am, mid-fucking 40s and trying to stay out of the way so I didn't go in to see her. And now I feel like an asshole. I am absolutely going to see her tomorrow. She may get to come home too. (Sidenote: It's amazing what they can do now without opening up the chest)

Anyway, my curse is that I don't want to be in anyone's way and as such, I didn't go in and see my mother because my step-dad just didn't say anything about if it was okay to come visit. I did serve a purpose in being at home, watching over the animals we have and making sure they were fed and watered. But in between that, I could have gone to see Mom. I know she'll forgive me, if she'll even think anything of it, but still.

People tell me to wait, so I wait. People say "don't talk to me", I won't talk to them. People stop talking to me, I send a final message, wait 24 hours for a response and then I accept that maybe they don't want to talk to me anymore. I am not pushy, I am not confident in others actually liking me, so I accept whatever as my due and try and move on. Which probably explains why I am still single, among a bunch of other factors.

Unless someone makes it clear that they want to talk to me, or hang out with me, I generally defer to whenever they reach out. It's one way to alleviate the anxiety over rejection as I have had to come to terms with. I learned it early on. I was once hanging out with my best friend at the time and she got asked to hang with a boy she liked and she left me, at her house. I have never been anyone's first choice and I have coped with that knowledge.

In some ways, it is scary to think that I could possibly be anyone's first choice. However, that has never been the case. And at this point in my life, I doubt I ever will be.

Anyway, so yeah. I am a little upset that I waited, thinking I had to wait to see Mom today and it's too late now. I will see her tomorrow but still.

I hope that this has been a little insight into me. I absolutely accept boundaries, even to my detriment or if they are imagined boundaries.

Not sure if this feeling, if being subdued is a result of last night's mood swing or if today is standalone. A little worried, stressed, because Mom's heart surgery is tomorrow. I canceled practice too, thank goodness. I am ready for a break.

With the decision made to step down and leave the group, my disorder has calmed a little. I still shaved my head again. There is part of me that wonders how the hell I was able to grow hair before the pandemic and for a year into it. This fucking disorder sucks.

I am tired and I should focus that into some poems that will likely be darker lol.

Muse is not playing around. I've written at least 4 poems, posted 2 today. She is now taking a hold of phrases that pop into my head and poking at me to expand. It really is quite astounding to me that after a few fits and starts in September, she's now opened her wings wide and demanding my attention.

Her wings have opened wide and my flood gates, once dry and dusty, are roaring.

What even is going on?!

Since today is Sunday, my usual order of business is to go pick up the groceries for the week. Mom and I order them separately and I pick them up for both of us and that's that. Today I was waiting for the order and I remembered that it was 7 weeks ago that I listened to "Take Me Back To Eden" for the first time. 18 days later, I saw them live. And here I am today.

While on the drive home today, I was thinking about what was it about the band and the sound that made me fall in love with them. A lot of my past historical music enjoyment has been epic sounds, or cinematic soundtracks, etc. My music interests are very wide and varied. But I am not a much of a metal fan. I liked Linkin Park a lot, but it was the rare song that I appreciated that was of the metal genre other than that. So ultimately, I think what drew me in was just how genre bending it is. I've heard some people say that Sleep Token's sound is music for musicians. I love the epicness of the sound, the variations in a single album, etc. And Vessel's absolutely gloriousness of a voice.

In essence, Sleep Token for me is cinematic metal. Melodic metal. Ambient metal. And frankly, just damn good music. I can't believe its only been 7 weeks since I started listening. I feel like I was waiting for him. Him and his music. And the absolute pure poetry of his lyrics, my god. I look forward to many more years enjoying Vessel's talents, no matter the form they take. Whether under his real name in the future, or under the continued anonymous façade and band.