testament to who i am

[josilverdragon]

I feel a bit guilty right now. Mom was in the hospital today and had two heart surgeries, one to replace a failing valve and the other to give her a pacemaker and I was waiting for Dad to call to let me know that she was out and stable and when he called he was on the way home. Mom's staying overnight. But here I am, mid-fucking 40s and trying to stay out of the way so I didn't go in to see her. And now I feel like an asshole. I am absolutely going to see her tomorrow. She may get to come home too. (Sidenote: It's amazing what they can do now without opening up the chest)

Anyway, my curse is that I don't want to be in anyone's way and as such, I didn't go in and see my mother because my step-dad just didn't say anything about if it was okay to come visit. I did serve a purpose in being at home, watching over the animals we have and making sure they were fed and watered. But in between that, I could have gone to see Mom. I know she'll forgive me, if she'll even think anything of it, but still.

People tell me to wait, so I wait. People say "don't talk to me", I won't talk to them. People stop talking to me, I send a final message, wait 24 hours for a response and then I accept that maybe they don't want to talk to me anymore. I am not pushy, I am not confident in others actually liking me, so I accept whatever as my due and try and move on. Which probably explains why I am still single, among a bunch of other factors.

Unless someone makes it clear that they want to talk to me, or hang out with me, I generally defer to whenever they reach out. It's one way to alleviate the anxiety over rejection as I have had to come to terms with. I learned it early on. I was once hanging out with my best friend at the time and she got asked to hang with a boy she liked and she left me, at her house. I have never been anyone's first choice and I have coped with that knowledge.

In some ways, it is scary to think that I could possibly be anyone's first choice. However, that has never been the case. And at this point in my life, I doubt I ever will be.

Anyway, so yeah. I am a little upset that I waited, thinking I had to wait to see Mom today and it's too late now. I will see her tomorrow but still.

I hope that this has been a little insight into me. I absolutely accept boundaries, even to my detriment or if they are imagined boundaries.