particular peculiarities

[josilverdragon]

Reflecting a little bit on how I have been lax with posting here with any sort of regularity. I guess it's also the time of year, what with the holidays and all. I don't know if this will be more regular or not but I guess I'll just wing it and see how things go. Which is my favorite way of dealing with things.

My poetic inspiration has run a little dry but by no means has my love for the man and the band diminished. It has settled and I am so happy it has. The initial rush and everything is so turbulent and it's a lovely ride of emotion but I am also happy, and maybe more so content, that it's become more manageable. Granted, I still have a massive crush on the man behind it all but it too is much more settled and content. I'm just happy to know he exists and is making music and sharing it with us. I just hope one day I can meet a tall, lanky tortured soul nerd like him that I can call my own.

In line with that, I sometimes fear that I will not find anyone. If simply because I just worry that because of my particular peculiarities will be missed and whoever they may be will never see me. Moments in my life still remain close to recall, such as mother stating I will always be the friend but never the girlfriend (hello junior year of high school) or when a trainer at work said he never could get a read on me. I realized later that he meant I was not feminine enough nor masculine enough for him to determine where I sat in relation to his binary view of society, sexuality, and gender. Regardless, I wait to be seen by someone, really seen, and it terrifies me at the same time.

I am a Grade AAA mess or whatever. I keep hoping for a spark of something but most anyone I meet just engenders the "Please don't casually touch me, we just met" feeling. Very few people do I feel comfortable with hugging. Very few people inspire me to want to know them. And most of them are online and far away from me.

Another thing I struggle with is worrying that my actions, should I choose affection, will make someone think I like them in a more than a friendship way. Perhaps I suffer trauma of being rejected so much that is the explanation.

And now I'm crying to Sleep Token's "Shelter - from the room below".

So. I am putting this out to the Universe and everything: if you could maneuver things so that I could cross paths with someone who I can start out being friends with but with the understanding that I would possibly want more. Someone who likes or tolerates cats, who isn't psycho, who will go with me to Sleep Token concerts, to random disaster movies, to coffee on Saturday nights, who will be my best friend, the one I don't have to hide everything I do hide from the rest of the world, from even my family. And please please please help me recognize them. I keep hoping for the one from my dreams as a teenager. I just want love.

Anyway, I'll leave that there for today. Happy New Year.