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josilverdragonThe last few days have been busy. Not that I haven't had time to post, it's just that I didn't have much to say at the moment. Today, I just wanted to share that I have Sleep Token's "Provider" in my head, as in:
"And your fingers foxtrot on my skin
I'm going under this time
I can give you what you want"
Also, I may be back on Tumblr. So, hey, that's the longest I've ever been on a social media break and I'm limiting my time until 9/1 so it's still officially a break. I've just kind of broken some of my own rules and they are mine to break and there's no consequences or repercussions so it's fine.
Anyway, it's my second to last day of vacation and the parentals will be home tomorrow evening from their vacation. I'll give you a rundown of the last few days for posterity's sake and since the subject line of this post covers that lol.
Wednesday, 8/20, was going okay. I was in full swing on cleaning out and reorganizing things in my room finally. I finally found my swim goggles and nose plug so I was thinking about going to the pool at the local rec center (spoiler alert: I did not go to the pool and have yet to make it lol). But I also wanted to get fly masks for the horses as the flies are something terrible and Mask, our 30-year old Tennessee Walker, is getting the worst of it. So I knew I had to go to the local North 40 before they closed at 7pm and I thought I might swing by the rec center on the way home and swim but I ended up getting a freaking bloody nose so I had to hold off until I was certain I could go somewhere without bleeding everywhere. I ended up ordering pick up from Noodles Express so I could pick it up before going home. I did get to North 40, got the masks, picked up dinner, picked up our mail and got home in time to feed all the horses. Mask was easy to get the mask on, she trusts Mom, Dad, and myself without fail, and I think she was like "FINALLY". Ginger wasn't having it, so I worked with her a little and ended on a positive note but I ended up not putting on her mask. I had received the brush I ordered and after feeding the horses, I ended up giving their water tank as thorough a scrubbing as I could and after, filled their tank to the brim. Then I went in, ate dinner, ended up watching YT shorts for too long, and finally did some more clean up/pick up in my room before succumbing to sleep and going to bed.
Thursday, it was more of the same, cleaning up my room, vacuuming, cleaning up some of the mess I made out in the dining room/family room, and all this between rebuilding my calibre fanfiction library. I was successful in getting the mask on Ginger and ended up leaving it overnight. Nothing really of note on this day. One of the neighbors called and we talked a little bit. She was just checking in and letting me know that if I needed help, I could call her. If a brush fire broke out, we have a plan to work together to get our horses (she has a chestnut paint gelding named Chevy) in our horse trailer and evacuate all our pets and whatever else we can. So, *knocks on my wood desk*, just in case, but hopefully not going to be a worry.
Friday was more of the same, tbh. So, we're all caught up, I guess lol. Oh, I did talk to my mom on the phone for a bit and caught up with her. She got a rolling cart (Dad calls it her "scooter") that is basically something she can push, and sit on if she needs to in order to rest. She said it helped a ton while they were moving through downtown Long Beach on Thursday, so I was glad she got it. It's taken her a bit to get to this point because she just couldn't really accept that she couldn't do what she wanted without help. So I'm glad she finally got her scooter (it's not really, just I don't know what else to really call it lol).
And now, all I have to do is break down the boxes in the living room that came from my room, and finish going through the stuff I haven't decided what to do with yet. Though most will probably go away, either be tossed in the trash, or be donated. I also need to gather up all the trash in the house as well as change the cat box, wipe down the counters in the kitchen, put away the clean dishes, and so on. I'll probably wait until tomorrow for most of it as it won't be until late that the parentals will be home.
My sleep schedule has been completely fucked up and I've been getting up pretty consistently around 9AM because I am not going to bed until after 1AM. Last night I went to bed around 3AM and woke up around 730AM so I just stayed up, got my sorry ass out of bed to feed the animals and just am trying to keep going until about 11pm tonight. Maybe I can reset me so I go to bed earlier as this next week I have to go back to work, which sucks. Though more likely I'll get another wind of energy and procrastinate going to sleep again and I'll be fucked either way lol.
I'm feeling pretty good about my room now. Got a new chair mat as the other one was breaking apart and I'm expecting a new dresser middle of next week, which will help with some of the clothing. And I need to get little dividers/baskets for my smaller clothing pieces so they're not all thrown in together. I currently have these soft sided ones in my old dresser that's falling apart and they have torn and lost their shape so I'll be looking for the hard-sided ones for this dresser. It's also taller than the current one, so at least one more drawer to put stuff in. I'll also be trying not to use the clothes dresser as storage for other things, so I'll have to go through that when I get it and put it together. Which is fine, as I've been meaning to do that for a while now.
OH, speaking of the closet, I discovered that one part of it is broken, so it's a little wobbly and I started looking at what I could replace it with. I'll wait until the parents are home and discuss it with them to see how they want to approach it because the water heater is in my closet. So anything I want to do with it will need to ensure that Dad, or anyone, still has the ability to get to the heater as well as do what they need to.
Which also reminds me that when I was talking with Mom yesterday, I was telling her about the new mat and the dresser and she made some comment about spending money and I'm like, "it is stuff I had been putting off". Meanwhile, I still need to get new tires and wheels as well as AC and stereo in my car but once I got working on my room and putzing around here at home, I just didn't feel like going anywhere. In fact, I'm still debating with myself about getting Papa Murphy's pizza tonight because they have a sale for 25% off today and they just recently raised their prices, so any day they have a sale is a day to take advantage of it.
Anyway, continuing on the money rant that I distracted myself from with thinking of pizza, I just have to stop worrying about what my mother thinks. If I make it terrible for them, her and my step-dad, then it becomes their problem, but as she herself said, it is my decision. She won't love me any less. Her parental love isn't transactional, although my love language is buying her books and taking the parents out for dinner at least once a month. I just have to get over wanting to be a people pleaser when it comes to her and Dad. It's hard though. And I have speculated that I won't be able to have any romantic partners or real friends until she's gone and passed away. If only because she is who she is.
My other current issue, Trigger Warning for Eating Disorder talk or just eating issues in general, is how I eat. I always have good intentions but then I always sabotage them. Meaning that one of my unspoken goals this month was to make it so if I eat something, I only eat one at a time. One little bag of chips, one serving of red vines, one burrito, whatever, as a way to cut back what I eat but my will power is lacking. As a result, I am still at my heaviest and I want to get a massage because there's something going on with my muscles but I'm too afraid I'll lay down on their tables and it'll crash to the ground. It's been my fear with most chairs for the entirety of my life. I have flashbacks to trying to sit in my cousin's lawn chair while at the fair and having it just completely collapse under me.
Anyway, I'm fat (more like severely obese tbh). I need to get to moving around more but the stuff I want to do is all on the computer now lol or reading. Which isn't conducive to movement. So yeah. I need to just do it but sometimes I get caught up in the anxiety of going to public places and wondering what people might be thinking. Which is a failing of mine. I shouldn't care. My store is mine. And how I live my life has nothing to do with anyone but me. I just have to keep going. And I just have to remember that. Also having to go up to feed the horses evening and night has helped too.
And that's another thing. There is so much I wish we could do to the property and the barn and the house but it costs money and I need to take care of my vehicle first, which is frustrating. I was thinking last night that maybe I should think more about doing the lotto because even 100k would help. Much better would be 500k. Enough to pay off everything including the house and fix a lot of stuff on the house, as well as set up a fund to help pay property taxes and insurance as long as I'm alive. But alas. That is a gamble, spending money every week in the hopes to get more money. Sigh.
"And your fingers foxtrot on my skin
I'm going under this time
I can give you what you want"
Also, I may be back on Tumblr. So, hey, that's the longest I've ever been on a social media break and I'm limiting my time until 9/1 so it's still officially a break. I've just kind of broken some of my own rules and they are mine to break and there's no consequences or repercussions so it's fine.
Anyway, it's my second to last day of vacation and the parentals will be home tomorrow evening from their vacation. I'll give you a rundown of the last few days for posterity's sake and since the subject line of this post covers that lol.
Wednesday, 8/20, was going okay. I was in full swing on cleaning out and reorganizing things in my room finally. I finally found my swim goggles and nose plug so I was thinking about going to the pool at the local rec center (spoiler alert: I did not go to the pool and have yet to make it lol). But I also wanted to get fly masks for the horses as the flies are something terrible and Mask, our 30-year old Tennessee Walker, is getting the worst of it. So I knew I had to go to the local North 40 before they closed at 7pm and I thought I might swing by the rec center on the way home and swim but I ended up getting a freaking bloody nose so I had to hold off until I was certain I could go somewhere without bleeding everywhere. I ended up ordering pick up from Noodles Express so I could pick it up before going home. I did get to North 40, got the masks, picked up dinner, picked up our mail and got home in time to feed all the horses. Mask was easy to get the mask on, she trusts Mom, Dad, and myself without fail, and I think she was like "FINALLY". Ginger wasn't having it, so I worked with her a little and ended on a positive note but I ended up not putting on her mask. I had received the brush I ordered and after feeding the horses, I ended up giving their water tank as thorough a scrubbing as I could and after, filled their tank to the brim. Then I went in, ate dinner, ended up watching YT shorts for too long, and finally did some more clean up/pick up in my room before succumbing to sleep and going to bed.
Thursday, it was more of the same, cleaning up my room, vacuuming, cleaning up some of the mess I made out in the dining room/family room, and all this between rebuilding my calibre fanfiction library. I was successful in getting the mask on Ginger and ended up leaving it overnight. Nothing really of note on this day. One of the neighbors called and we talked a little bit. She was just checking in and letting me know that if I needed help, I could call her. If a brush fire broke out, we have a plan to work together to get our horses (she has a chestnut paint gelding named Chevy) in our horse trailer and evacuate all our pets and whatever else we can. So, *knocks on my wood desk*, just in case, but hopefully not going to be a worry.
Friday was more of the same, tbh. So, we're all caught up, I guess lol. Oh, I did talk to my mom on the phone for a bit and caught up with her. She got a rolling cart (Dad calls it her "scooter") that is basically something she can push, and sit on if she needs to in order to rest. She said it helped a ton while they were moving through downtown Long Beach on Thursday, so I was glad she got it. It's taken her a bit to get to this point because she just couldn't really accept that she couldn't do what she wanted without help. So I'm glad she finally got her scooter (it's not really, just I don't know what else to really call it lol).
And now, all I have to do is break down the boxes in the living room that came from my room, and finish going through the stuff I haven't decided what to do with yet. Though most will probably go away, either be tossed in the trash, or be donated. I also need to gather up all the trash in the house as well as change the cat box, wipe down the counters in the kitchen, put away the clean dishes, and so on. I'll probably wait until tomorrow for most of it as it won't be until late that the parentals will be home.
My sleep schedule has been completely fucked up and I've been getting up pretty consistently around 9AM because I am not going to bed until after 1AM. Last night I went to bed around 3AM and woke up around 730AM so I just stayed up, got my sorry ass out of bed to feed the animals and just am trying to keep going until about 11pm tonight. Maybe I can reset me so I go to bed earlier as this next week I have to go back to work, which sucks. Though more likely I'll get another wind of energy and procrastinate going to sleep again and I'll be fucked either way lol.
I'm feeling pretty good about my room now. Got a new chair mat as the other one was breaking apart and I'm expecting a new dresser middle of next week, which will help with some of the clothing. And I need to get little dividers/baskets for my smaller clothing pieces so they're not all thrown in together. I currently have these soft sided ones in my old dresser that's falling apart and they have torn and lost their shape so I'll be looking for the hard-sided ones for this dresser. It's also taller than the current one, so at least one more drawer to put stuff in. I'll also be trying not to use the clothes dresser as storage for other things, so I'll have to go through that when I get it and put it together. Which is fine, as I've been meaning to do that for a while now.
OH, speaking of the closet, I discovered that one part of it is broken, so it's a little wobbly and I started looking at what I could replace it with. I'll wait until the parents are home and discuss it with them to see how they want to approach it because the water heater is in my closet. So anything I want to do with it will need to ensure that Dad, or anyone, still has the ability to get to the heater as well as do what they need to.
Which also reminds me that when I was talking with Mom yesterday, I was telling her about the new mat and the dresser and she made some comment about spending money and I'm like, "it is stuff I had been putting off". Meanwhile, I still need to get new tires and wheels as well as AC and stereo in my car but once I got working on my room and putzing around here at home, I just didn't feel like going anywhere. In fact, I'm still debating with myself about getting Papa Murphy's pizza tonight because they have a sale for 25% off today and they just recently raised their prices, so any day they have a sale is a day to take advantage of it.
Anyway, continuing on the money rant that I distracted myself from with thinking of pizza, I just have to stop worrying about what my mother thinks. If I make it terrible for them, her and my step-dad, then it becomes their problem, but as she herself said, it is my decision. She won't love me any less. Her parental love isn't transactional, although my love language is buying her books and taking the parents out for dinner at least once a month. I just have to get over wanting to be a people pleaser when it comes to her and Dad. It's hard though. And I have speculated that I won't be able to have any romantic partners or real friends until she's gone and passed away. If only because she is who she is.
My other current issue, Trigger Warning for Eating Disorder talk or just eating issues in general, is how I eat. I always have good intentions but then I always sabotage them. Meaning that one of my unspoken goals this month was to make it so if I eat something, I only eat one at a time. One little bag of chips, one serving of red vines, one burrito, whatever, as a way to cut back what I eat but my will power is lacking. As a result, I am still at my heaviest and I want to get a massage because there's something going on with my muscles but I'm too afraid I'll lay down on their tables and it'll crash to the ground. It's been my fear with most chairs for the entirety of my life. I have flashbacks to trying to sit in my cousin's lawn chair while at the fair and having it just completely collapse under me.
Anyway, I'm fat (more like severely obese tbh). I need to get to moving around more but the stuff I want to do is all on the computer now lol or reading. Which isn't conducive to movement. So yeah. I need to just do it but sometimes I get caught up in the anxiety of going to public places and wondering what people might be thinking. Which is a failing of mine. I shouldn't care. My store is mine. And how I live my life has nothing to do with anyone but me. I just have to keep going. And I just have to remember that. Also having to go up to feed the horses evening and night has helped too.
And that's another thing. There is so much I wish we could do to the property and the barn and the house but it costs money and I need to take care of my vehicle first, which is frustrating. I was thinking last night that maybe I should think more about doing the lotto because even 100k would help. Much better would be 500k. Enough to pay off everything including the house and fix a lot of stuff on the house, as well as set up a fund to help pay property taxes and insurance as long as I'm alive. But alas. That is a gamble, spending money every week in the hopes to get more money. Sigh.
