you take the dark and carve me out a home

The week really has gone by quickly and I have no one to blame because I kept myself busy with fanfiction archiving. That one thing really has become my thing and because I don't use the more automated version of that via python but through calibre, it's more hands on. Thus more time spent. So I watch my YT subscriptions, or a movie, or an episode of Bridgerton (I want to get to Penelope's season just because I want to see a woman not so svelte and petite get the suitor). It keeps me occupied.

On another note, I have a reason for posting but I won't get to that until the end. What I want to write about first is that when I started this specific blog, I keep expecting people I know to find it. Or people I know in fandom rather, or even people I know in the offline. But despite it being connected to my poetry page, and using a version of my first real online nickname and an element that has frequently been used as a part of my online monikers, I have had no such luck. Possibly that is of good fortune, considering it was here that I had started to discuss leaving the drum group.

I mean, I have never really been hidden online. If one really wanted to find me, they could. Or maybe I'm just not worth the trouble. Which I fear may be the truth.

This actually wasn't going to be the main topic of today's post but I fear it is turning into it. And that is that I have no real self-worth. What I mean by that is I simply cannot fathom why anyone would want to be friends with me, or even possibly want anything more with me. Life partners and the such. I am self-isolating, not very charming, not very people-oriented, and loathe human interaction unless it is someone with which I like, friend or otherwise. And it's always been that case. It's just that I've given myself the permission to be more firm of my own boundaries. The result of this is me losing a lot of in person friends because I just don't want to go do stuff with them. It's always been what they want and never what I want. I even tried pre-pandemic to set up something I wanted to do but 90% of the time, it was only my mother and myself. My other friends ("friends") couldn't be bothered to make any real effort. And in fact, disappeared when I stopped making an effort.

It just fully enforces in my mind that I am not a great friend, or that I am that secondary level friend that no one wants to be around. Hence the poor self worth. Just once I would like to be first choice, but it's highly doubtful that will occur. It's part of the reason I had looked previously (think 2017 and before) for a partner because I want to find my best friend. And I want to be best friends and lovers and whatever else. Alas, I am queer, not romantic, not sexy, non-binary, and as much attraction as I feel is more towards those of masculine countenances. And from what I understand, I confuse most people. And most people do not feel anything for me other than friendliness. Perhaps that is part of my madness, that I don't recognize anything.

Anyway, this post was also going to express how much I think of a certain someone and I'm not sure he'd even look my way. I don't know him in person, only by his art, and it's highly doubtful I every will. For all I know it's the same as any other time I've held anyone in high esteem and the feelings will fade away. I just know that I've awakened after years of just blah feelings towards anyone and it is of course someone I never knew of before. I would have loved to been a follower of his YT when he was active. Hell, I'd just settle with being a friend and in his orbit. Known and cherished as a friend.

All in all, I really just want my best friend to show up in my life. Whoever they are. Someone who wants to get into the messiness that is me. Someone who willing to do things I want and I'll do things they want. I want an equal partnership, an equal friendship. And the pit of my stomach says that it's not likely to happen.

Thus ends today's blog. Come back soon for my further 'woe-is-me' ramblings. Until next time.